It’s 0608 EST, and I’ve been up for an hour. I’ve taken a shower, gone for a walk, said some prayers, filled out my planner, and am now writing this blog post.
Somehow, I’ve been able to do all of this without doing what 90% of Americans do every day.
Behold, your master:
This bean has built empires off the backs of slaves—slaves like you.
It begins innocently. When you’re a kid, your parents (grandparents, state-appointed guardian) drink coffee every morning. You want to try some. You want to feel like an adult. It must be good if they all do it, right?
That day finally comes. You’re allowed your first taste of the wicked black brew. Did you like it? Probably not. But gosh darnit, you’re a grown-up now, and you’re going to choke this cup down.
Then you have another, and another, and another. The sips turn into gulps as they start to feel smoother. Hey, this isn’t so bad. I could get used to coffee. If only you knew then what you knew now—that by drinking coffee, you were propping up a global superpower bent on domination. You just became its latest peon.
Skip to now—what happens when you skip out on your daily dose? Do you get headaches? Are you irritable? Maybe even depressed? Those are called withdrawal symptoms, and they happen to people who are quitting cigarettes, heroin, and—yes—coffee.
(If the fact that drinking coffee gives you common cause with heroin users doesn’t alarm you, you’re beyond hope.)
And so each morning, you obediently consume the bean to stave off withdrawal. You’re reduced to a zombie state without it: Lifeless, lethargic, easily upset. Yet somehow, we accept this reality in America, indeed the world. We pay no mind to the fact that millions of people depend on this insidious little plant just to function during the day.
This is to our own peril.
Join me in my crusade against the coffee menace. Wake up, America—without coffee this time.